Warning: big bum is imminent

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If you’re feeling guilty that we’re only two and a half months into 2009 yet the new year’s resolution is already a vague and distant memory, take ­comfort in the knowledge this is traditionally the time when the Government’s attempts to force us into a healthier lifestyle fizzle out. Each year it seems the finest minds in Whitehall spend months racking their brains and then do the same thing, namely producing annoying TV ads and posters at bus stops politely asking us to be healthier without offering any incentive or help.

Judging by this year’s offerings, it has again squandered a budget running into hundreds of thousands of pounds, so I’d like to offer the following suggestions for how it should spend next year’s money if it wants to improve the ­nation’s health.

First, if packs of cigarettes can carry health warnings and pictures of their effects, then why can’t fast food do the same? Hamburgers could come in wrappers saying: “Warning: eating this can lead to you developing heart disease, cancer and a big, fat, saggy bum.”

This could be accompanied by a ­picture of a diseased heart, congested ­arteries or a gargantuan rump, which I suspect would be more effective.

Secondly, the number of smokers could be massively reduced with two simple TV adverts. The first would target young people who wrongly think smoking is cool by featuring Cliff Richard and Anthea Turner praising the habit (possibly while enjoying a post-coital smoke together).

The second would be run during the break in ITV1’s  The Jeremy Kyle Show and feature Gary ­Glitter lighting up while smiling at the ­audience, guaranteeing a whopping drop in smokers of a tabloid-reading ­nature. With these two cheap but ­effective ads, a huge burden on the NHS would be lifted overnight.

My third idea is perhaps the most controversial. ­Instead of launching another inane ad campaign, the Government could do something really outrageous such as subsidising leisure centres to the extent that it’s cheaper to go for a swim than it is to stuff your face in McDonald’s. But that really is a crazy idea, isn’t it?

Paul Herringshaw, of London, is a writer

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